True Secrets

 To write is to expose one's terrible, screaming vulnerabilities (a childhood of abuse; a childhood of neglect, the deep-seated desire to be thoroughly boned by a melancholy vampire). It is to stand figuratively naked before the world. In this vein, and since I will never stand before you literally naked, I have decided to share some true facts about myself, verified by unimpeachable sources and brought to you, my audience, in the spirit of full disclosure.

TRUE SAM FACTS:

-If you ask him a direct question, he will never lie; however, he is the son of lawyers and thus ascribes to the "Lazarus Long" school of dishonesty - that being that there are two elegant ways to deceive, the first being to speak only the truth, just not all of it, the second being to tell only the truth, only in such a way that people hear a lie. So when he speaks, you can be sure that

A: It is completely true and
B: It is heinous bullshit.

-Has made 13 hippies cry since beggining count in 2007

-Suffered no abuse as a child, therefor must look elsewhere to explain grotesquely unpleasant personal manner.

- Slighty stronger than an angry chimpanzee, not as strong as the power of a mother's love.

-Cooler than Aquaman but then, who the hell isn't.

-Dreams of bludgeoning Neil Gaiman with a blunt instrument and eating his brain, to gain his talent.

-Dreams of bludgeoning Andrew Lloyd Webber with a blunt instrument and taking a vigorous piss in his brain, to prevent the writing of Phantom of the Opera 2: Suck Harder.

- Secretely wants to be Gay Jubal Harshaw when he grows up.

-Likes orange roughy more now because it's endangered.

-Thinks Pandas are a goddamn evolutionary backwater and should be allowed to quietly expire.

- Loves his parents very much; insulting his father will get you a bloody nose, insulting his mother will get you pounded into hamburger and fed to the neighborhood dogs.

- Acknowledges three people as his intellectual superiors: his mother, his fourth grade teacher, Batman.

-Has never spent more than 30 dollars for any article of clothing, ever.

-When everybody else his age was pretending to be a power ranger, he was pretending to be Ender Wiggin.

-If he is perfectly polite to you, it means he hates you.

-If he says nothing to you besides injuctions that he hates you and wishes you were elsewhere, it means he hates you.

-If he doesn't know you, it means he hates you.

-Makes ridiculous noises when confronted with a small mammal of any species or disposition. A kitten: AWWW WOOK AT HIS WIDDLE PAWS. A hamadryad baboon: AWW WOOK AT HIS ICKLE WICKLE CLAWSY-WAHSIES.

-Allergic to shrimp.

-Cried at the ending of "The Fox and the Hound". Last week.

-Hates children.

-Afraid of ghosts.