Mindscrew - PART 1

My play for next quarter's brown bag! RESPECT, BITCHES.




Mindscrew
By Sam Acheson

(LIGHTS UP on an stage empty except for a couch, center. On the couch are DOUG, fully dressed, and HERMIONE GRANGER, in bedsheet)

HERMIONE: Oh, Doug! Now that you've conquered Voldemort single-handedly and brought peace to Pakistan, will you teach me more of this strange magic...called love?

DOUG: Oh, Hermione!

ELIZABETH (OFFSTAGE): Wow, that is really just charmingly pathetic.

DOUG: What the hell?!

HERMIONE: Oh Douglas! Save me!

(ENTER ELIZABETH; she is wearing a labcoat and carrying an iPhone/PDA)

ELIZABETH: "Oh Douglas". Really. This dream couldn't be more pedestrian if it walked down the street. Fix your hair, sweetheart, I need to talk to this guy here.

DOUG: Who--? What--? That's Hermione Granger, woman! You only get one shot with Hermione Granger!

ELIZABETH: ...This conversation is really beginning to upset me, so I'm just going to get it over with fast: You're asleep, this is a dream, the bucktoothed book-vixen doesn't exist-

HERMIONE: I don't? Thank Christ for that. Can I smoke?

ELIZABETH: Sure.

DOUG: -hey, wait-

ELIZABETH: -And I'm Dr. Elizabeth.

DOUG: Is that like Dr. Laura?

ELIZABETH: Cute! No. With lines like that I can see why you have to have wet dreams about making out with children's book characters.

DOUG: They're young adult, and-

HERMIONE: He doesn't even do it very well. Seriously. Keeps his teeth clenched behind his mouth the whole time.

Doug: Hey, that's not-

ELIZABETH: Oh yeah. I totally called that one.

DOUG: I don't-

HERMIONE: Also, Dr. Elizabeth, between you and me-

DOUG: WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!

ELIZABETH: I told you. I'm Dr. Elizabeth.

DOUG: That's nice. So?

ELIZABETH: I'm your personal dreamtime consultant? Oh, crap, that's right. My bad, I forgot to turn off the subconscious awareness dampeners. Deactivating in three...two...

DOUG: Ow! Goddamnit that hurt!

ELIZABETH: Try not to jerk around so much, I put an electrode in your brain. Well, not really. More like seven or eight electrodes.

DOUG: Oh. God, I remember now. I bought that custom dream off you people, right? I thought I wasn't supposed to see you.

ELIZABETH: You weren't, but I felt I had to intervene before you went to second base with a character from Harry Potter.

HERMIONE: Please! He was never going to get that far.

DOUG: Hey! That's not nice! And you're in a damned bedsheet! Why the hell did you put an electrode in my brain!? Are you even a doctor!?

ELIZABETH: I most certainly am. Of psychiatry, of course. And I was joking earlier; I didn't put any electrodes in your brain.

DOUG: Really?

ELIZABETH: Really. Josh put them in. He's my technician. Say hi, Josh!

BOOMING VOICE: HI ELIZABETH

DOUG: Is Josh a doctor?

ELIZABETH: No. And you're missing the point. You suffer from a serious lack of imagination, Doug. I'm here to help.

DOUG: That sounded ominous. And what do you mean, a lack of imagination?

ELIZABETH: Look around you, Doug! A bare stage? No scenery? A scantily clad tween -gross, by the way- and an audience of leering assholes? I'm getting you some scenery. Hold on.

DOUG: Ow ow ow ow ow! Stop doing that.

ELIZABETH: Don't be such a baby.

HERMIONE: Seriously. Pansy.

(ENTER CHAD carrying a single, poorly constructed TREE)

CHAD: Where do you want this?

ELIZABETH: Here's fine.

(EXIT CHAD)

DOUG: Wow, that was great. Really great. Really dresses up the place.

ELIZABETH: It's your imagination, not mine. Here's the problem, Doug: your dreams are monochromatic, completely boring, obsessed with sex, and entirely heteronormative.

DOUG: Hetero-

ELIZABETH: I'll fix that later. All you do in your dreams is make out with people who either don't exist or wouldn't give you the time of day.

HERMIONE: Technically I'm both. And waaaaay too smart for you.

DOUG: That's not true! I dream about lots of stuff!

ELIZABETH: April 23rd; making out with your high school French instructor. April 24th, making out with the grape fanta girl. April 25, making out with that weird blue bikini chick from Everquest.

DOUG: Hey! Stop that! That's private!

ELIZBETH: Not anymore. I'm gonna shake things up a bit. Here, let me do a little digging-

DOUG: Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!

(Enter CHAD, shirtless, carrying a broomstick)

Elizabeth: There we go!

DOUG: Who the hell are you!?

CHAD: Chad.

DOUG: What the hell are you doing?

CHAD: Polishing this broomstick handle.

DOUG: Why?

CHAD: I dunno.

DOUG: What the fuck is Chad supposed to be!?

ELIZABETH: Well I'm not a psychiatrist-

DOUG: you said you were-

ELIZABETH: But at a guess I'd say he's your latent homosexual tendencies.

HERMIONE: Really? I totally got that vibe from, Ohmigod, I need to tell Grape Fanta Girl!

GIRL'S VOICE: Tell me what?

HERMIONE: He's a homo!

GIRLS VOICE: KNEW IT!

DOUG: I'm not--! I never--! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING NOW?

CHAD: Crunches.

DOUG: Stop that!

CHAD: Nah.

ELIZABETH: Look, nobody's saying you're gay-

HERMIONE: I am!

GIRL'S VOICE: Me too!

CHAD: Yeah kinda gay.

ELIZABETH: It's just there's an aspect of your personality that you're unwilling to confront. Let me help you, Doug. Let...let us help you. Oh, Chad, do you work out?

CHAD: Constantly.

ELIZABETH: I don't think you need to be gay to appreciate these obliques, Doug.

DOUG: Goddamnit! Get the hell out of my head! I don't believe what you're saying! AND WHAT IS HE DOING NOW?!

CHAD: Looking for my keys.

DOUG: Why?

CHAD: Dropped 'em.

DOUG: He does not live in my head. He's an idiot.

ELIZBETH: Your IQ is barely clearing 105, Doug. I wouldn't throw stones.

DOUG: That's above average!

ELIZABETH: Only enough to make you watch boxing instead of pro wrestling. Look, Doug, all your dreams begin with making out or naked twister or some embarrassing moment you rehash over and over again -don't worry, lots of people get so nervous on their first dates they puke and pass out at the dinner table-

HERMIONE: (giggles)

GIRL'S VOICE: (laughs)

CHAD: Ha! Laaaaaaame.

DOUG: THAT IS PRIVATE!

ELIZABETH: -not anymore! Then about 30% of them veer off as your extremely decaf sadomasochistic fantasies reassert themselves-

HERMIONE: Oh God, is that why I'm wearing a leather bustier under this thing?

ELIZABETH: Probably. I'm sorry.

HERMIONE: You fucking pervert!

DOUG: She's seventeen at the end of the-

ELIZABETH: So I'm just trying to shake things up a bit, Doug. The first step to solving your problems is to admit-

DOUG: Alright, listen carefully: this is my dream, alright? I don't think any of my problems can be solved by...Jesus, what's he doing now?

ELIZABETH: You've never seen jumping jacks before?

DOUG: Look, I...uh...appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I really want you out of my head.

ELIZABETH: If you're really this upset, I don't know why you bought a custom dream in the first place. If all you want is to dream about a pubescent girl beating you with a riding crop-

HERMIONE: Oh god, is that why I have one of those?

ELIZABETH: You seem perfectly capable of doing that on your own. Why did you buy our services?

DOUG: I didn't! I got a gift certificate after I spent $50 at Applebee's!

ELIZABETH: I hate that promotion. Well. That's really unfortunate Doug. I'm sorry you feel that way.

DOUG: ...so you're going to leave? And you're going to take that thing with you?

CHAD: Taking off my belt now.

DOUG: ...why?

CHAD: Bored.

DOUG: But you're leaving, right?

ELIZABETH: Oh, no.

DOUG: ...what?

ELIZABETH: It's for your own good, Doug, I promise.

DOUG: No, damn you, get out of my brain! I'm calling this off, right now!

ELIZABETH: Doug, do you know what it says on the top of letterhead, back at the office? It says "Dreamtime Agencies - You don't have to be a megalomaniac to work here-"

DOUG: ....but it helps?

ELIZABETH: ...but it helps!  Ahahahahahahahaha! Let me dig around....oh, here's something you should see!

DOUG: OW OW OW OW OW-

(Enter SEVERAL GIRLS)

ELIZABETH: Look, it's everyone you've ever found attractive!

GIRL'S VOICE: Look, Doug, you seem really nice, but we just need to tell you: none of us like you. Even a little.

HERMIONE: I never did either. You're less attractive than Ron Weasley and let me tell you, that is saying something.

(GIRLS EXIT)

DOUG: ...why?

ELIZABETH: Why, Doug? Why? Because I can. See this little PDA? I know everything about you. For example, I know that your nickname in the high school locker room was "lightswitch"- and somehow I doubt it was because you brought light to their day.

HERMIONE: Well that's one point in Ron's favor, I guess.

CHAD: Heh. Innuendo.

ELIZABETH: You once made out with a girl at a party and then never spoke to her again because you didn't think she was pretty enough!

DOUG: Shut up!

ELIZABETH: You're twenty-three! You're a virgin! If pressed about your first sexual encounter, you relate an entirely fictional story about your mother's mah-jong instructor! You are the most pathetic creature who ever lived!

DOUG: I SAID SHUT UP!

(lights flicker; perhaps an ominous rumbling sound)

ELIZABETH: Woah there, Doug. This place is fragile. It's made of fatty cells, you know.

(TO BE CONTINUED)